Note: In the prehistoric days of the Internet, About.com was known as The Mining Company.

Behind the Scenes at The Mining Co.:
The Application Process for Guides

Dateline: 02/16/98

At The Mining Co., we fill our days mining mines you may not have known exist. Simply put, we excavate the entire planet in our ever-evolving^{® pat. pending} search for Your^{® pat. pending} Guides.^{® pat. pending}

In an effort to enlighten prospective applicants, we now share the necessary entry steps to join us, Your^{® pat. pending} Family.^{® pat. pending}

Plus, you'll see what we're up against.

Here is^{® pat. pending} a^{® pat. pending} sample of ^{® pat. pending} the^{® pat. pending} quoted Guide instructions from the "Application Template," which is readily available by perusing our "Be a Guide" site.

Later, we'll display an actual applicant's submission, selected randomly, of course.

new feature

"On a regular basis... you'll be providing useful, timely information on a topic within your niche and including links to interesting pages inside other relevant web sites.

"Replace the text in this section with the text of your sample feature...."

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• "Each week you will give viewers a sampling of Web pages that are timely, fresh...
• "Each link will supply the name of the page and a sentence or two of description...."

Guide bio.

"Your site will include a biography explaining who you are and listing your credentials....

"Finish your biography by outlining what you intend to do with your site....

"Name: Enter your name here.
"Site Topic: Enter the topic of your site here.
"Your email Address: Enter your email address here...."

That's our procedure. And, as promised, for demonstration purposes only, here's an actual response to The Mining Co., not one word* of text has been changed.**

new feature

WELCOME TO TARA'S WEB PAGE!

Meow! I'm Tara. I felt compelled to build this page so people can bask in my beauty and acknowledge my great feline prowess.
 
Oops. Uh that's, that's not the correct text. That's homework from my crash course, Teach Yourself HTML 4 in 24 Hours, which I needed to learn for this job. From Chapter Two. Page 16.
 
I'm tired. I was up all weekend. I didn't know how to work the Delete key. Tara's a cat.
 
What can I say? I made a mistake already. My audition is blemished. Your heart must be breaking for me. Bless you, application/recruiting guy. I really wasn't going for pathos. I'm just grateful I stopped before I overflowed into bathos. --Uh, I guess I shouldn't use big words like pathos and bathos. This is not going well at all. I can't start over. You're already reading it.
 
I was going to tell you my ideas for "Giggle Bites" (current cracks), "Calendar Pie" (it's in your face), "Film Cool: Movies That Make Me Laugh," "Click Pick" (weird web), "Miner's Digest Condensed Daves", and, lucky for you, there's also my show!
 
Huh? I should go now? Now? Quietly? But, I don't want to go. My wife baked tollhouse cookies. Want some? Or, maybe, I could stay, and allow you to bask, in, in my beauty?

  The Mike Durrett Show
Today's episode: The Pilot  

Coming up next:

don't miss

• Bob and Ray
  Treasured audio from THE radio champs, two knock-out, adorably strange minds doing "nothing" long before Seinfeld was protoplasm. With Ray Goulding and dad, Bob, in the house, is it any wonder Chris Elliott's our kind of spawn?
• Blazing Saddles
  "What in the wide Wide World of Sports is a-goin' on here? "Risque business, that's what, from one of the movies that changed the movies, now a widescreen (more funny for your money) laserdisc, at two sound sites -- and soon, we salute Mel Brooks.
• How to Be Annoying
  "Inform others that they exist only in your imagination." This gaspingly hilarious primer, certain death for the frail, instructs: "Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

Guide's bio.

Mike Durrett
Hi, it's me again. I was out in the hall. Darn machine's out of Peanut Planks. You know, if you'd only listen to my qualifications for this guide position, I think your nose might stop bleeding.

I take your staggering silence to mean "Go ahead you kind, gentle, wistful lad." Thank you.

I'm a writer with credits. Actually, credit card debts.

I've written for Joan Rivers, Howard Stern, Gary Owens, and radio personalities across North America. Some I wrote for more than others. None of those people are good baskers.

I wrote and published The Security Blanket, a radio gag service, for several years after many contributions to The Electric Weenie, the top joke letter of the era.

I spent six years on-air in Atlanta market AM/FM broadcasting, mostly during the morning drive-time hours. I'm told I give good consonants.

I scripted, produced, directed and starred in five feature-length comedies for the lucrative home movie market. At the risk of sounding egotistical, it was here I mastered the fine art of groin pulls.

Those pictures led directly to my being cast in several student films and the Best Comedy winner at the 1995 Golden Twinkie Awards, which world premiered at Grauman's (Mann's) Chinese Theatre, Hollywood. I saw Tori Spelling.

This year, I'm enrolled in acting classes at Atlanta's warmly regarded, but bald on lobby snacks, Alliance Theatre. I'm closer than ever to a heartfelt dream of taking center stage in my triple "tour de force" -- the roles I was born to play: Wally in The 1940s Radio Hour, Oscar in The Odd Couple, and, of course, Julie in Showboat.

I've done other stuff; but, they were just silly.

If  I am crowned Guide, I will strive for global peace, and bring to these pages a solemn pinky-swear to mine uncharted grins. In addition to making your life a living hell, I'll link to a handsome conglomeration of sites, striving to gather the largest mass of original content known to man or Night Court's Markie Post.
 
I'll whip the audience into the submission of  their personally created wackies shuttled via email to hotshot Mining Co. representatives mistakenly attired in lederhosen and faux pax pelts instead of true camping garb, and invite all comers to visit us hourly, and enjoy shimmering glee at its halo-glazed zenith! And if they want to bring potater salad, I'll let them.

During my tenure, we'll gawk, at even more banner ads for SPLAM!

And -- everyone, please rise -- we'll look lovingly at the great comedians of  The Twentieth Century -- their films, their literature, their television, their concerts, their used linen salesman named Snuffy we never hear about.

And -- everyone, 50 push-ups -- we'll track and enjoy today's emerging funsters, as we stroll toward a dazzling new millennium. I'll need to stop into Arby's on the way, but I'll catch up.

Prithee, alas, and forsooth! Now, I take my leave. I must go study how to be annoying.

Name: Mike Durrett
Site Topic: Humor
Your email Address: humor.guide.applicant@miningco.wannabe.com


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  ^{*about six}

^{**Because here at The Mining Co.: You Buy the Premise, You Buy the Bit.}


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