| Little-Known Prophecies of Nostradamus |
An article by Mike Durrett |
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Michel de Notredame was born in 1503. By the time he died in 1566, he had become the
famous French astrologer and prognosticator Nostradamus.
FACT:
Nostradamus anticipated he would die.
One day.
Sometime.
Sooner or later.
And within these exacting parameters, he most certainly did die.
Eventually.
Much has been reported of this soothsayer's startling glimpses of Earth's future, including the subsequent generations of mankind.
FACT:
The old tipster's vision of the demise of the planet as we have known it, slated for
recent years, failed to materialize. (Well, okay, U2's Bono did say the really bad naughty
word during a Grammy telecast awhile back -- but the world did not explode. It must've
been close, though, very close. You may exhale now.)
Fresh research has uncovered many of the mystic's premonitions, never released to the public at large -- until now.
FACT:
These items are Little-Known Prophecies of Nostradamus*:
1.
When Nostradamus predicted "sardines will one day have keys on their cans," he
was really intending for those keys to be on their butts.
2.
Three hundred years before the Confederacy, Nostradamus scribbled copious outlines for a
futuristic novel set in the New World's New South during "a War Between the
States."
Nostradamus' manuscript pre-dated and echoed every character and plot twist in Margaret Mitchell's acclaimed 1936 historical novel, "Gone with the Wind" -- except, there was no Aunt Pittypat.
There was an Uncle Pattycake.
Mammy and Prissy were attorneys from the Law Offices of Mammy, Mammy, Mammy, Prissy, and Cohen.
And instead of scrounging for carrots in her garden, a ravenous Scarlett O'Hara shoplifted a Pecan Log from Stuckey's.
Amazingly, Nostradamus' book was entitled: "Gone with the Windsor Tie."
Nostradamus suggested, after predicting the invention of motion pictures, his dream cast for "Gone with the Windsor Tie." He, too, chose Vivien Leigh for his Scarlett. However, it should be noted, his exact words requested "the ever-so-lovely Mrs. Larry Olivier."
Nostradamus continued making plans for a film. "Between now and eternity," he said, "there shall be only one man to walk this Earth who can portray the handsome scoundrel from Charleston. Oh, please, employ my Rhett Butler: Samuel Gompers."
Mr. Gompers, the U.S. labor leader, who died in 1924, was unavailable to comment for this story.
"Or," Nostradamus said, "My second choice for Rhett? The ever-so-scalawaggy ex-Mrs. Tom Arnold."
Roseanne, the U.S. actress and former Arnold, may have been available to comment. We didn't call her.
3.
Warning against certain peril, Nostradamus cautioned children to never visit with
strangers. He warned adults to never visit with Jessica Fletcher.
Angela Lansbury, U.S. actress and "Murder She Wrote" star, was too gracious to speak to us about Roseanne. We asked Miss Lansbury for her turn-ons and turn-offs, and she graciously punctured my ear drum with her phone slam.
4.
In the late 20th century, Nostradamus decreed, not only will baldheaded men apply
spray-canned hair onto their scalps, but also baldfaced cafeteria cooks will spritz
spray-canned curds onto their cottage cheese plates.
5.
Nostradamus' final prophecy: "'Rosebud' is his sled."
6.
Astonishingly, Nostradamus was correct when he prefigured this bit would begin to wilt
around number six.
7.
He suspected, furthermore, I just might continue until the end of the column. On the
nosey, Nostry!
8.
Nostradamus said, that in February, 1994, a speed eater would wolf down a pound of collard
greens in 16.1 seconds. And this prediction did come to pass. Unfortunately, it came to
pass in the shape of a kickball-sized kidney stone.
9.
An inveterate party animal, Nostradamus accurately foretold the international success of a
buffet favorite: the pig-in-a-blanket.
It will take more time, alas, for society's taste buds to embrace his hedgehog pandowdy.
10.
Nostradamus scored a bull's-eye when he predicted Rice-a-roni.
He loses points, though, for the slogan: "Rice-a-roni -- The Beer that Made Milwaukee Famous."
THE END.
But, of course, Nostradamus knew that, too.
About Your Guide: Mike Durrett dabbles in prophecy his own bad self. He sees a world without lanolin, muskrat love, and teensy kitty-cat thigh boots.
*Suggested from a concept by Frank Thompson
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