MIKE
DURRETT
SHOW
Today's Episode:
The Internet's Pants Are Missing
a k a
Newsgroups or
Nudesgropes?
Content alert! Some readers may
find this material offensive. God knows, I do. Part Two.
Dateline: 08/18/98
Hi, I made it.
Sorry, if I seem to be late to the party; but August must go down as the month I discovered filth on the Internet. Whoo, boy! I'm scared to be walking the same planet with some of these crawlers.
I don't mean to suggest I've been living secluded in a cave or in Shari Lewis' sock drawer either.
I know about Web pornography, and how by simply clicking on an innocent looking banner ad, we could be taken to places which might have festered in Larry Flynt's burps.
Last Time, You'll Remember...
In our last visit, I wrote how President Clinton's (somewhat admitted) misconduct has brought fellatio funnies into mainstream Americana.
Yes, for all-time, standing proudly erect -- next to our ancestors' patriotic bloodshed, Uncle Sam, and the stars and stripes -- is Bubba's crotch, the Yankees' new doodle.
Dandy.
Nowadays, these jokes are nonchalantly passed across the nation's dinner tables, accompanying beans and potatoes. The gags, nevertheless, remain cultural filth. And this filth is everywhere on the Internet, including the comparatively mild Zippergate Zingers added to our state-of-the-art Humor site. I ain't proud of 'em. It's my job.
So, after going through all that stuff, I moved on this week to mining for Humor Newsgroups. Holy cow! Some of the spam posted among these pleasantries is so far beyond nasty, it makes the White House scandal seem like a Pippi Longstocking Tupperware Party.
Are Their Nuckles Scraping the Pavement?
I recall taking several biology classes in school. Admittedly, I'm fuzzy. Isn't evolution supposed to move things forward? Where are all the Net scums coming from? Even the vilest individuals I've met in my patented world-hopping adventures can't hold a candle to these trolls. Are we humans retro-fitting ourselves into slime in order to return to a sea of primordial ooze?
It's such a pity, because most of the nearly 80 newsgroups I've visited offer insights and delights inside their various niches. There are definite services and valuable entertainments being provided amongst the flesh bombardments and artillery of tacky. It's a rude inconvenience and annoyance to duck and waddle around the cesspool, however.
I, for one, am against censorship; yet, must these underdeveloped cretins run amok in obviously non-pornographic areas of the Web? There's an abundance of garbage in the porno gutters already. It's not like these -- and I use this term very loosely -- people have no place to go.
C'mon, um, people, get a grip! Restrain yourselves to your own swanky, swingy love shacks, please!
Imagine how low someone has to be to sink to posting lascivious swill at alt.comics.peanuts. There among nice remembrances of Charlie Brown and the little red-headed girl are the worst kinds of offenses. Never, under any circumstance, is this sort of visual assault acceptable or funny. The right to free speech is one thing -- uninvited mind rape is quite another.
The Good News...
I've compiled 67 Humor Newsgroups for you, so far; and they reside in our Net Links library. I hope you'll seek out and enjoy the discussions on celebrities, comic strips, animation, sitcoms, comedians, writers, movies, and memorabilia. You'll also find never-ending joke streams.
And the Bad News
Do not misunderstand me by thinking if you simply dodge the overt porn messages, you'll be in inoffensive habitats at these various newsgroups. There may be other terrors lurking inside the "legitimate" postings, too. Expect unwanted etiquette surprises to pop-up everywhere, along with voluminous commercial spammings.
We're Not Joking
You may notice the joke newsgroup listings are sparse. I felt several were way outside the PG-ish level we try to maintain here (excepting Zippergate, of course, which is its own surreal entity. Look, I'm grinning! I'm waving my flag!).
The joke groups listed are often "colorful," but rec.humor.funny and rec.humor.funny.reruns are, at least, monitored with consistently administered standards.
Comic Newsgroup Relief
If you are not up to speed on newsgroups and how they work, you will need a special reader to access the messages, much like your email. In many instances, your Internet service provider has made the readers available with your email program or browser. Additionally, all ISPs do not necessarily offer every newsgroup to subscribers.
Here's a new alternative to access newsgroups, also known as Usenet. It's a Web-based reader called Talkway. You can visit all of the discussions from any computer's Internet connection without the necessity for a standard reader. It's easy and attractive to use. There's a no-frills version named Decaf and a full-features version (including Java and HTML formats) which you must register your name to receive. Both are free.
Additionally, Talkway allows readers to check-off boxes on each message to alert others if a particular item is "adult," "spam," "flame," or "great." This feature alone makes cyberspace less cheesy.
There's, also, old reliable Deja News, a similar Web-based reader, without as many fancy visual bells and whistles. This service provides access to approximately 15,000 newsgroups, which should be almost enough for any boring evening at home.
The strong point to Deja News -- and very welcomed -- is the heroic effort already made to stop spam. Additionally, Deja News gives you, with every registration, a free email account to use for whatever purposes you desire. The account has heavy-duty spam filters available to help keep your inbox and brain springtime fresh; plus, using this email address to post online protects your other accounts from getting unwanted junk messages.
Taste Test
After writing the above, I decided to run an informal comparison between my traditional newsgroup access and Talkway and Deja News. As far as screen formats and user friendliness goes, each choice has features to recommend; but the differentiations ultimately require a personal preference decision. I'm happy with all three; although I do think my provider is a bit speedier -- and I can download messages to read without maintaining an online connection.
Using alt.fan.letterman as the common testing area, I found 498 postings through my ISP and they were, seemingly, up to the moment.
Talkway surprised me with only 146 available messages. I looked hard; yet, I could find no posts less than two days old. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt, since they're new and may be undergoing initial tweaking. I'm keeping my account active and will return.
Deja News dished up a whopping 2086 selections! Their headers are in chronological order, rather than in threads, so I easily discovered the Dave output was very current.
Now, the big battle, what about spam? My ISP had a bunch of offensive and commercial headers. I looked for the same headers on Talkway; the porno ones were absent, and an occasional commercial spam made it into the log. Scrolling through hundreds of the same messages, Deja News shocked me. It was spotless.
Epilogue
With my trusty sword, Deja News, I reentered the battlefield: alt.comics.peanuts. I found a round-headed kid and a little red-headed girl, and their young pals, and a strange, strange beagle frolicking in a cleaner, peaceful, innocent parallel universe.
We may have won a decency battle; but the war's not over.
Well, that's our show for today. I promise something lighter in the next episode. Meanwhile, I'm off to spam porn groups with castration recipes.
So, what do you think? Our new Humor Bulletin Board is exactly the place to express yourself. Or start your own newsgroup-style discussion forum.
About Your Guide: Mike Durrett enjoys a good naughty joke like the next fellow. The problem is there are very few good naughty jokes. And the next fellow is Billy Graham.
The Guide's nutty grand tour of the west is not over. Next: the Grand Canyon. Until then, catch up on earlier episodes of The Mike Durrett Show on the Road....
