Abandon dream of owning modern Wienermobile, settling for this old flying carpet of pimento loaf.

Make sure my cats' litter box is Y2K compliant.

Invent the bagpipe vacuum cleaner.

Buy one sandwich at the regular price, get one large drink free!

Never travel by plane, so as to avoid removing pewter codpiece inside airport metal detector.

When we're strolling through the park, demand wife walk 10 paces in front, in case of mimes.

Save money on medical expenses. Schedule my physical at pediatrician's office and order off the kiddie menu. (Ask about the Little Slugger Prostate Exam.)

Move to Texas. Join the Shriners. Become first man inside the Alamo to wear coonskin fez.

Embracing the brotherhood tradition of Hands Across America, organize National Bitch-Slap Alec Baldwin Day.

Eat naturally. Learn to coax out Twinkie filling by the Lamaze method.